Thursday, December 10

Vanillekipferl Recipe (Vanilla Croissant Cookies)

Thursday, December 10
So here's the recipe to the cookies Johannes made the other night. Warning: Once tasted, very addictive!


Ingredients
300 g flour, 250 g butter, 125 g sugar, 3 egg yolks, 125 shelled and ground almonds, 2 packs of vanilla sugar.

Directions: Mix and knead the flour with the butter, egg yolks, and almonds, then let stand (unheated) for one hour. Form small crescents (mini-croissants) out of the dough and bake on a greased tin at 175° C until light golden. While still hot, roll in vanilla sugar.

The word "croissant" is a French translation of the German word Hörnchen ("little horn"). The crescent-shaped pastries originally came from Vienna, and were in the form of the Turkish crescent symbol to celebrate the defeat of the Turks. Kipferl is Austrian/Bavarian for Hörnchen.

(Courtesy of www.german.about.com)

Tuesday, December 8

It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot like Christmas…

Tuesday, December 8






I’ve celebrated Christmas in many countries, with varying cultures and traditions. This year will be my first “White Christmas”, hopefully with snow drifting down near the 25th and covering our countryside all pretty.

It’s also my “quietest” Christmas, as normally every year I am so involved with Christmas outreach projects, kids events, organizing and planning the parties…but this time, I find myself simply BEING.—And waiting, for the big day when I get my Christmas Boy.

As opposed to other years, this time I am more rested, with even time enough to put up a tree in our bedroom (my first real miniature pine!), wrap gifts, and think about all that is to come.

During winter, it gets dark here around 4pm—something I’m not used to at all. But with the houses, streets and trees all lit up so festively, glistening against a dim backdrop, it brings some kind of magic in the air.

The pictures above are from the world-famous Christmas markets (Weinachtsmarkt) here in Germany. The other day I went to town, geared with a camera and took some shots of the artisans selling their wares—lots of traditional “kitsch” and Schmuck for Weinachtstag. Two hours later, I convinced my husband to come down and enjoy a mug of mulled wine (Gluhwein) with me.

The same afternoon, I received an email from a German auntie, telling me how romantic Christmas is in this part of Germany. I think she’s right!

Monday, December 7

Having a Baby in Germany, Pt. 1

Monday, December 7

(This post might not be relevant to all the readers of this blog, but I have recently got a lot of inquiries as to the kind of birth I’ve planned, how it is to give birth in Germany, etc. As I am still in the waiting stage (less than 10 days to go), I’ve been reviewing a bit of where the last 9 months of this journey has taken me, the new things I learned about being pregnant but also the legal aspects and “German way” of doing things here. So I hope it’s somewhat informative for you and will give you an idea if you are on this side of the world and expecting.)

On Planning: Something that surprised me (just never thought about it before) was how often women in Asia choose Caesarian births as an option for the painless way, even before there is even complication with the baby. That is to say, most of my girlfriends in the Philippines asked me straight off, when I was only halfway through the pregnancy, if I “had planned a C-sec”, as if that were the normal way of doing things. I actually never once questioned whether I would take that route, though I have since come to terms with the fact that if it does happen to go that way last-minute, because of whatever reason, I’m okay with that too. But so far, we’ve planned an all-natural birth.

On Ultrasounds: The second thing that surprised me is how frequent ultrasounds are given here in Germany. With an excellent medical care system (free for those insured) and equal rights for everyone, you get an ultrasound at least once a month and then from the start (I got my first one at 14 days) about every week after the 34th week. I understand that some people have reservations about the safety of these scans, but that doesn’t really seem to be a concern here, where the machines are available and regularly used.

On Natural Birth: Germany is very up-to-date, not only with technology but also with the good old fashioned way of doing things—with midwives, holistic methods, aromatherapy, acupuncture, and other natural birth procedures. (See photo above of water-birth tub.) Every mother is encouraged to seek out her own midwife (sometimes also paid by insurance) and at the hospitals during the birth, you will be assisted by one or a couple. The midwife (Hebamme) is a trained medical professional, and can assist you every day of your pregnancy, during the birth, and then even afterwards when you need advice or help at home.

Germany also gives parents a lot of information about childcare and preparing for it. Any Pharmacy will have magazines available on the subject, with phone numbers to call (i.e. lists of midwives and hospitals), legalities you should know, and all of the how-to’s on being a brand new parent. You’re also encouraged to attend birthing classes, which prepare you by teaching relaxation methods, breathing, everything about pregnancy, etc. Then there is exercise which is very much encouraged for expectant mothers. You can attend pregnancy swimming lessons (sometimes covered by insurance) in heated indoor pools even during the cold of winter. Then, after baby is born, he can also attend swimming lessons and baby-massage.

We were also given a tour of the hospital where we are giving birth. (Hospitals hold regular “Info Nights”.) Although it’s in a little town, I was surprised by the efficiency of the facilities (not to mention the cleanliness standard, which feels like a hotel compared to the hospitals I worked in as a volunteer in other countries) and availability of wide range of bed choices. You can have a water birth if you wish, or choose from a few different birthing suites, chairs, beds, etc.

Of course, there’s plenty of paperwork to be done; the last thing we finished was registering at the hospital, where you sign on the dotted line regarding awareness and rights, anesthesia, medicine, etc.

There is also a special clause for husbands wanting to be present at the birth. This states that he can’t blame the hospital in case he gets mentally traumatized by the event, ha!

(To be continued after I pop.)

Artwork


...Just noticed I only have two blog posts here tagged "ART", so let's make this a 3rd. Here's a recent piece, have done it in my signature oil pastels over velvet canvas. It's about a meter high.
Like? :)

Saturday, December 5

December!

Saturday, December 5



Christmas is coming up, and I have a lot to be excited about. Here's some pictures from today, my skilled husband baking Christmas spice cookies--a yearly tradition in their German family that gets everyone in the kitchen together.
Of course, it's not the same without children sticking their fingers into the cookie dough...but I guess we'll have that soon enough!

Tuesday, December 1

10 THINGS I’LL MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT:

Tuesday, December 1


10 THINGS I’LL MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT:

1. Stopping traffic every time

2. Being allowed to have a huge belly in a bikini

3. Getting extra pampering by my husband (baths, massages, etc)

4. Making random strangers smile on the street

5. Having an excuse for emotional breakouts

6. Sex without contraceptives (duh!)

7. Daily Naps

8. The excitement before my monthly ultrasound

9. Being allowed to use a bathroom anywhere

10. Feeling so healthy

Sunday, November 22

37 Weeks!

Sunday, November 22

I’m getting so close to the end—HURRAH! This is the point where you just “want it out already!”, and you wonder if your tummy—or body—can even get any bigger!

I take a walk in the forest and the little girl passing me on a bike with her dad shouts, “Look, the lady is having a baby!”…I go to the pharmacy to pick up my vitamins and strangers press good-luck stones into my hands. …I buy something at the grocery mart and the saleslady hands me a free magazine. “All about babies!” she gushes.

It has been a real good journey. The discomfort I have experienced pales in comparison to the love and care I’ve been given over the last 9 months and the blessings I have enjoyed. I’ve been so spoiled!

Today I am washing baby clothes, setting up the nursery corner of our bedroom, and thanking the Lord for the new life that will come and change everything (again!) as I now know it. Next week, we go to the hospital to discuss our official birth plan with the doctors. I’ve also been attending birthing classes (in German) and although I don’t understand everything that’s being said, it’s nice just to be in the company of a dozen other pregnant women who know exactly what that pelvic pain feels like, and also waddle in the way I do.

At night, it’s the hardest. This child kicks and pokes and punches on all sides, and I am up to go to the bathroom at least five times, on the hour. (It doesn’t really help that my husband thinks it is fun to feel the baby move, and encourages him to do so.)

Braxton Hicks have begun more frequently. A friend wrote me to think of them as “hugging contractions”. It feels more like a fist squeezing tightly.

My dreams get even weirder! I dream that my baby gets mixed-up in the hospital, or that it comes out a girl instead of a boy and I go fight with the doctors because they switched my kid. Last night I dreamt that my stomach was see-through and I could see my baby’s face, features, and fists punching their way out. Sure enough, I wake up and he is punching like crazy.

So it has been a little odd, and a little wonderful, this journey. I’ve learned more about my self in the past nine months, and have thought much more about my future. I’ve also been learning to appreciate and be grateful for all the goodness that has come into my life, and everything God has sent to teach me more about Love.

…Out already!!!!

Friday, November 13

Baby's World

Friday, November 13



To be honest, I've never been one of those girls who oohed and ahhed over baby things. Baby clothes in Department Stores were a world away from mine and I never gave them a second look. Stuffed toys? Never really saw the cuteness in them.
But it's one of those things that kicks in when you're expecting...I couldn't be more thrilled now, to be shopping for my little one, putting together clothes, hitting the stores for snuggly blankets, checking buggsters online, and being overwhelmed by all the gear there is out there for tiny creatures.
The oddest thing is though, trying to shop for a complete stranger--guessing what his personality wil be like, what colors will suit him best, if he will be a hat-kid or simply abhor that oh-so-cute baby tiger outfit I bought for fun (or the Christmas elf set I crocheted)...buying booties when I haven't even seen his toes yet (though I swear I can feel them!) and winter mittens to warm the little hands I've never held...
It's a bit surreal. But so much fun!

Monday, November 2

A Frolic in France

Monday, November 2
Here's the top of a cliff we hiked en route to some remote monastery in the South of France. we're back now, after a fantastic week, spending every day in a different town, exploring the coast, enjoying the deep blue hues of Cote D'Azur, and me learning to read maps.

It's no wonder Van Gogh garnered much of his inspiration from the fields of Provence, and though we missed the lavender season, there was still so much else to see...and do! We had our full of museums, art tours, Citadel explorations and nap with the goats on this hill.

Pics coming soon...

Friday, October 16

Goodbye, Garda

Friday, October 16

Summer has just about wrapped up here in Italy. The weather has dropped drastically to 3 degrees in the early morning. Hotels are closing down for the winter; tourists heading back home, and I am beginning to feel COLD.

We will be heading back to Germany where baby will be born a week before Christmas (hopefully, if he is on time) but before that, we're taking the opportunity before he comes to have a last quiet vacation..somewhere on the Southern Coast of France. You can be sure I'll be taking lots of pictures and doing the travelogue again. Have always wanted to visit Provence, and am hoping there's still some lavender fields to enjoy this late in the year.


Ciao, till soon. :)

Friday, October 2

Philippine Flood Disaster

Friday, October 2

The recent Typhoon “Ketsana” (locally called “Ondoy”) was the worst flood to hit the Luzon area in about 40 years, its damage catastrophic.

This typhoon hit the country’s capital hard. Whereas other catastrophes have happened in surrounding provinces, or farther out, this one blew in to the main city districts and left hundreds of thousands homeless. Almost everyone I know there knows someone, family, friends, or colleagues who were seriously affected, if not in loss of life, then belongings and lifesavings. My own sister lost her apartment.

And as clean-up continues, drawing everyone together in relief efforts, another typhoon is plowing in tonight. Please keep the country in your thoughts and prayers, that they will make it safely through the storm, and that the next incoming one won’t be too devastating.

Wednesday, September 23

In Defense of Crazy Pregnant Ladies

Wednesday, September 23

(Written Monday, August 24, 2009)

I must write something in defense of those “crazy pregnant hormones”. And that is, that a person—whether man or woman—will never, EVER understand what those hormones are like or are capable of doing, until that person has been pregnant themselves.

I know I would never have imagined it or come close to even comprehending the slightest fraction, until the day it happened to me.

The many days, in fact. It has been a roller-coaster ride—and I think people call it that, because the first trimester in particular is a combination of thrills, frights, and a whole lot of throwing-up.

One blustery day in April, I was sitting outside the lake here in Italy, waiting for my husband to come back from work. When he did finally appear, I had been crying uncontrollably for a good fifteen minutes.

“What’s wrong?” he said, with a “not again!” look on his face.

My sobs came first in little sputters, and then in a big long wail. “I NEED RICE!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!”

From the look on his face, I could tell this answer and reasoning was quite stupid. I was a grown woman, for crying out loud!—Not a little, spoiled kid. But then, I told myself, I was a pregnant woman, and wasn’t that a good enough reason for everything?? But I did feel silly, sobbing over food, needing rice so badly, and in Italy of all places.

At the time, we were living in a lovely hotel in Lago di Garda. I had the finest cuisine served up on my plate for every dinner and a buffet breakfast every morning. But rice hadn’t been on the menu for days (It wasn’t on the menu at all). I needed rice, and I needed it NOW!

…How else to do you tell someone who just doesn’t get it, that when a pregnant woman is hungry, she is not only hungry, but hungry for a very particular food or ingredient? And, not getting it can make her very, very, VERY cranky. My tears seemed the only (albeit irrational) way to express such need.

Like a good husband, Johannes promptly went and got the keys to car, ordered me inside, and proceeded to drive to the next town in search of an Asian restaurant. In this part of Northern Italy, that task was nearly impossible, and I doubted we would ever find one. But I had to smile through my tears that at least he was trying.

We ended up in Rovereto, a town which looked deserted on a Sunday, (as most Italian towns do). And would you believe it, the awe I felt when we rounded a corner and I saw the sign like a shining glow from Heaven: “Kamayan”. A Filipino restaurant! I almost got out of the car and kissed the ground.

It was too good to be true!

And then, sadly, we found that it really was too good to be true. The restaurant was closed on this day. But by then, my craving for rice had subsided somewhat and I was happy with a Doner instead.

The next week, Johannes was a man on a mission. I had passed my first German Language Exam and he wanted to celebrate. When he asked what I felt like eating, and I replied, “Indian food,” he brought along his laptop in the car so that we could google for Indian Cuisine on the busy streets of Verona.

First feat was to find Internet reception in the area. He would cruise around slowly till the laptop showed signal, and then we would quickly look for the street address of the place with Google Maps before its batteries ran dead.

In just a short time, we had found it: a cozy Indian restaurant just behind a sushi bar, near the city center. I was in Heaven, then. We ordered all the Naan and Basmati rice I could eat, together with two curries and Paneer on the side.

It’s amazing yet strange how happy the right food can make a pregnant lady. Such simple pleasures, but such desperate ones. Now, in my second trimester, I have not been as moody with food. Smells don’t bother me quite as much, and I’ve been actually feeling quite normal.

Johannes continues to be a patient husband, trying to understand as best he can when I am irrational and insane. He still drives around to find the perfect place to dine and makes sure our cupboards are stocked with rice at all times.

I have also tried to be less demanding and picky. I’ve been eating more potatoes.

Tuesday, September 22

Embracing Change

Tuesday, September 22


I’ll never forget the day this picture was taken. There are moments in life when such drastic changes happen, you almost wish you could freeze-frame the seconds just before it happened—when life was “as you knew it”, before something came to change everything.

For me, that was this moment: on that day, I stood by the seashore, watching the waves lap up in little ripples at my toes, then wash back out, only to return with greater force, the wind blowing around me, blocking out the sights and sounds of anything else on the beach.

That day was the fine line between my past and my present. It is the moment I can look back on and say, “Before this, everything was different. After this, nothing was ever the same again.”

Change came to me in a bigger way than I had anticipated. And it strikes me as significant, because when the photo was shot, I had looked out onto the endless horizon of ocean, and in my heart, I told the Lord that I was completely content; completely at peace. I had come to a stage in life where things had fallen into place so perfectly for me. I had a wonderful family, friends, career, and single life. I couldn’t have asked for more. I told the Lord, in that moment, that I was grateful for everything He had brought my way—the good, the bad, the love, the pain…everything. I was content just to be. I had found myself, after years of trying this and that, of travelling here and there, of journeying, experiencing and learning. And I loved my life as it was just then.

A crew member from my documentary production company shot the photo from behind before we moved on with our work for the day.

And then, that night, I met the man who eventually became my husband.

Today, I sit on the opposite side of the planet recalling all the changes that have happened since. I have left many things in my past, and moved on to embrace the present. I have gotten married, am expecting my first child, am living on the other side of the world, and am still learning that life is full of lessons I haven’t learned yet.

At first, it was unsettling: admitting to myself that because of particular changes, I would be forced to think more seriously about my future, to plan for years in advance; to start my own family; to “settle down”. It seemed I didn’t know the meaning of that. While many of my girlfriends had, years ahead of me, done the whole “motherhood” thing and were well on their way with 3-5 kids in tow, I was the one who wasn’t rushed about getting hitched, who took relationships as they came—and left—and I was content to know that everything had a time and season; that my time for all that would happen at its own pace.

But when the fateful day arrived, I found myself contemplating the changes, wondering if I could handle it, if I could accept that my life was still busy, just in a different way: one that involved laundry, cooking and keeping house, rather than rushing to catch plane flights and hurrying deadlines at the office.

It was like a mental block in my head, the need to embrace this change, the need to tell myself, “It’s okay, I can settle down for a change”.

Perhaps it’s something that happens to everyone who becomes a parent. You remember the life you lived and compare it to the one that you are now living, and you wonder if you have any regrets, or would do things differently, if you would rewind that moment and make different decisions.

The truth is, in embracing the changes that are now part of my life, I find new happiness, fuller contentment. In accepting that, at 28 years of age, I have lived much and loved much and now it’s time to live even more, I can be at peace knowing that changes are healthy; changes are needed.

I find myself learning more from others, too: seeking out other mothers’ advice, listening to the experiences that have taught them what I now need to know, and wanting to learn with a new eagerness and openness of heart.

When, in three months time, I hold my first son in my arms, perhaps that will be another moment to capture; one that I will remember forever. I’ll remember the old me and know that I could never go back to being single and independent.

In being given the capacity to love and someone to love, I am learning the biggest lesson in life. The waves are sweeping back in with stronger tides this season, and with God’s help, I am finally, fully embracing Change.

Sunday, September 20

The 7th Stage

Sunday, September 20

I’m officially in my seventh month of pregnancy now—time has flown by so fast! And to think that in 12 weeks, I’ll be holding my baby boy. Still seems quite a surreal thought.

The second trimester was easy, breezy, barely felt pregnant at times. But nearing the end of my 6th month, it suddenly got extremely heavy! Now I really do feel hungry for two, having hard times maneuvering (especially at night in bed) and pelvic pain is just another every day thing.
It really does come in stages, and now having seasons in my weather reminds me that change comes to all living things. We can’t escape it. We can’t freeze time or reverse it, but we can accept the changes that come into our lives with each passing day, and enjoy them, knowing that they are all a part of life, all stages on the journey.


(Note: The pic above was taken when I was just 5 and a half months pregnant.)

Sunday, September 6

TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

Sunday, September 6

I was going to write something about how much I hate the fact that everything in Europe closes on a Sunday, and in Italy particularly, everything closes from 1pm to 4pm EVERY DAY. It’s annoying, because that’s my favorite time to take a walk and buy ingredients for dinner, or check out markets, etc.

But for the sake of posting something positive, I’ve decided to write (on a whim) instead:
TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW:

1. Being able to blog this while watching my husband go to work, as he races off in his speed boat on the lake to pick up students for the kite-surf course.
2. The tranquility of Lago di Garda, with its swans, sailboats, and bordering cliffs
3. The bakeshop down the street where I can walk and buy fresh croissants and milk (before 1pm and after 4pm, of course.)
4. The different clientele I get to meet, interesting personalities and new people at the hotel
5. Being able to walk around in a bikini, dress up or dress down without being stared at
6. Our little apartment
7. Sleeping in every morning
8. Italian ice-cream
9. Time
10. Johannes

Keeping Up

It’s really the dilemma of every blogger, isn’t it? You get into your blog for a couple years and get a following, and enjoy posting ever now and then…and then you open up a Facebook account, maybe a Multiply Site, or some other social network…and then you get addicted to the instant feedback.

And then, you start posting your news there, and before you know it, you can’t keep up with all the sites and how they each eat away at your time. And then, you set up a website…but hey, that needs a blog too, to keep your clientele updated, so you blog a bit there, and on the dilemma goes.

You wonder which site you should close down, or where to post what, and all the while, the actual fact is that you haven’t posted anything at all, because there’s too much to manage, and even if you think you are a multi-tasker, the truth is, YOU AREN’T!

I’ve decided today to NOT close this blog down, or move it to a different host. Because it’s become a little personal attachment to me, and I want to keep blogging here more intimate things which I won’t necessarily put up on my site (http://www.nyxmartinez.com/) or on my Facebook.
So my solution is to do more linking, instead.

· My main site will feature more work-related and outreach posts, links to other artists and events which I find interesting and feature-worthy, or somehow related to the Mission. Sometimes I will re-post an article from here, too.
· This blog will continue to bring you those details which you should only read if you have extra time to spare, (or to waste, as Machi likes to say) and all those pregnancy and motherhood things I will continue to annoy you with. ;)
· On my Social Networking sites, I’ll sometimes post a whole article and sometimes a link. The beauty of the Web is that we can stay connected no matter where in the world we are, and just a little time clacking way on my keyboard can take me back to my friends in Africa or my readers in the States.

I hope you will continue to be somehow inspired by the bits on this site, and the posts that aren’t inspirational but really trivial, well, just take them with a grain of salt. Cheers!

Friday, August 28

Travel Video Preview

Friday, August 28


You can load the page,then click the left thumbnails for Pts 1-3 of "Subic: A Trail of Two Sisters", also featuring my sister Tessie.

(Note: The video posted only includes the first 3 parts, missing the end. Normally, our shoots are more culture-related, but this one is just about a few touristy spots in Subic Bay.)


Sunday, August 23

Official Website

Sunday, August 23
Hi Everyone,

I have been putting this off for a long time, but my husband finally made me do it--by setting it up himself and nagging me till I got the word out.

So when you have some spare time on your hands, would be happy if you could check out my new website:
http://www.nyxmartinez.com/

Hope you enjoy the surf...Sooner or later, this blog will be transferred there, so keep in touch! :)

Wednesday, August 19

Milano

Wednesday, August 19





John and I always seem to make the mistake of going out somehwere together on a day when it's either a holiday, or Sunday here in Italy--which means EVERYTHING is closed. Last weekend, we spontaneously decided to check out Parma, but once there, it was a ghost town! Hardly a soul on the street. Shops, restaurants, cafes and bars, all sealed shut.

Milan was just about an hour away, so we decided to see if perhaps they'd left something open there for wanderers. As we expected, most of the town was either on siesta, or not open for the holdiay, but the crowds had flocked to the Duomo, so some life was still about.

I never thought I'd one day end up in Milan, of all places, wearing rubber beach slippers, but the sun is way too hot now this Summer, and it was comfort above fashion, even in the most "en vogue" of cities.

Monday, August 17

It's a Boy!

Monday, August 17

Can you see his head's profile?



And here he is trying to do a backflip...
Already super active like a true Sagittarius! :)

Wednesday, August 5

To Each His Own

Wednesday, August 5
(Pic taken in our garden)


Having grown up and worked in primarily Third World countries, relocating to Europe has been a new experience in learning for me. Everything from crossing the roads, to separating waste, to health care and knowing what to expect in hospitals is fascinating.

I’m liking the controlled environments, more so because I find myself thinking about the safety of my child in years to come. I’m enjoying the top quality service of hospitals because I’ll be stuck in one of those beds soon. And of course, I LOVE the wide sidewalks because I was never much good at crossing roads.

The first thing I had to learn coming here, was of course, the language. And although I am nowhere near fluent, I learned enough to pass the basic exam which was required for a few legal papers I needed to stay in the country. That was a huge hurdle!

Having traveled around the world, I got used to the rule of “doing as the Romans do” in whatever land I happened to be. Walking the walk, dressing the dress, and generally trying to adapt as best as possible. …but I’m still learning.

The thing that has struck me the most is that, wherever in the world you are, there are reasons for people’s behavior and characteristics, and though they take awhile to learn, these little reasons explain so much. Their backgrounds, history, and upbringing play a large part in the person they become, so we can’t be judgmental of one place or the next, or one person to his neighbor.

On another note, it surprised me when reading some posts from mothers in countries like the US, they weren’t allowed to be given ultrasounds till their baby was at least 20 weeks. Here in Germany, it’s necessary to have up to 12 checkups throughout your pregnancy, each with an ultrasound. So I feel lucky to have been able to see my seed of a kid when it was only 4 weeks alive.

Tomorrow I’ll be finding out from the next sonogram whether to crochet blue booties or pink Mary Janes. I can’t wait!

Sunday, August 2

Becoming a Mother Changes Everything.

Sunday, August 2

Well, most things. We know about the usual weird cravings, the aches and pains, the growing belly…but what about some other stuff?

For me, it was when my maternal instincts kicked in by the first month and my stomach began heaving with just the thought of hurt children.

I first noticed this when, at about 10 weeks PG, Johannes and I were having dinner with some of his clients, and one of them, who was an Ob-Gyn (a man), started talking about how he also performed abortions, of all things. The conversation was in German, so I didn’t get all of the nitty-gritty gross details. One of the women at the table looked at me and said, “You really shouldn’t be listening to this.” I shrugged, as if I could take it.

But as we walked home, I asked Johannes to translate some of what had been said. And when he did, suddenly I felt nauseated, rushed home and puked my guts out. That surprised me, the sudden churning of my insides as if I’d been attacked by something really negative.

Then recently, I was reading a book that seems to be pretty popular right now (“The Shack”) and though for the most part, I liked it, especially the conversations with God, etc., when it came to certain details I had to put it down. And I haven’t finished the book yet.

Seems a silly thing, maybe, but I couldn’t stomach reading about the murdered child. It was just a book, just words, and yet it had this affect on me that I never experienced before.

It’s a strange feeling but it told me that this is what motherhood was about—the strong desire to nurture, protect, and preserve even an unborn life. In my mind, it was hard to accept that “I’m not as tough as I used to be”…but maybe we are meant to feel this way, to grow through this cycle of life and change and even how we perceive ourselves and what our strengths or weaknesses are.

I remember one night watching the news, and a story about a pregnant woman in prison really struck me. As I tried to sleep, I couldn’t . Thinking about her and what she might be going through, even as I was pregnant and getting good care, made me sympathize more than I normally did.

It’s amazing what God can use in your life, and the turns that destiny takes to bring you to a place that you couldn’t get to otherwise—to experience, and to learn from those experiences, what others may be going through who need your support and prayers.

I’m pretty glad that becoming a mother has started to change me.
 
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